This is likely the last post I’ll be making regarding the big event that happened recently.
Not because I’ve been given a gag order or anything, but because it’s
the last thing I have to say about it that will be relevant to this blog.
As nice as the drive was, I found myself with unexpected
stress almost right away upon the realization that I’d forgotten to bring
something I’d planned to have with me.
That something was the double album, Mellon Collie and the Infinite
Sadness by the Smashing Pumpkins. I did
remember their Siamese Dream album, but I especially wanted Mellon Collie,
specifically disc one. Don’t leave yet,
there actually is a point to this related to applying for library jobs. I’ll get there. But back to the story, I had many potential
“signs” that things were going to go my way, and this was the first potential
“sign” that things weren’t. I don’t
believe in signs, because if God or the universe—whatever you want to call
it—were in the business of giving signs, it would know not to bother since the
potential for them to be mere coincidence prevents them from being any
comfort. But I digress.
And why would this be a supposed sign? Well, for one I could have sworn I packed
them. I have the actual memory of
sliding them into my CD case, so I was shocked and flipped through my case
several times before finally accepting they really weren’t there. And second, well this is the part where we
get to why this was important to me and why it has crap all to do with applying
for jobs in our poorly chosen field.
The song "Tonight, Tonight" was my theme song during that
whole application process, from finding out they wanted to call me for an
interview to getting myself pumped for making the trip down there. And the reason is this particular line (and
for your own good, do not imagine me signing it): “Believe in me, believe that
life can change, that you’re not stuck in vain.”
Here’s why that line meant so much to me. It’s because I really do believe that the
thoughts you put out into the world can, at least partially, influence
causality. Not in some crass “the
secret” kind of way where all you have to do is think about it really hard and
you can have anything you want. No, not
like that. But self-fulfilling prophecy
is a real thing that can influence what happens in one’s life, and even beyond
that, I just believe that what you imagine happening can be part of what causes
it to happen. The problem with that line
of thinking is that I don’t foresee myself ever, ever, ever in my life getting
a full time job. After living in this
ugly fucking basement for the past 5 years, failure after failure after
failure, I have a damn hard time envisioning my life ever being different. Can you blame me?
Like I said before, this was the job I wanted and where I wanted it to be. I went all in with this one. I told as many people as I could to cross
their fingers for me, hoping that they’d think positive thoughts about me
getting the job. I can’t believe in
myself anymore, but maybe other people can.
And I listened to that song, trying to believe in Billy Corgan as he
asked, and believe that my life can change after all this time, and I’m not
going to be alone in a basement, working a miserable part time job that causes
my “moderate to severe depression” forever.
That was what I wanted to tell myself, and now it’s what I want to tell
other people in my position. Just try to
believe. It didn’t help me when I needed
it the most, but maybe someday it will help.
That’s my advice, believe in Billy Corgan. Think positive and try to keep thinking that
way, no matter how hard it gets. Billy
Corgan wouldn’t steer us wrong, would he?
Umm, Billy Corgan wouldn’t steer us wrong twice, would he?
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