Maybe may be my least favorite word.

I've mentioned before that I was starting to get interviews after the five year mark of looking for a library position (although incidentally, that "two and counting" for 2014 can be called now-- that's staying at 2).  At that point the upside was that at least I'm getting interviews now and then.  Just a couple a year, but it gives me a better fighting chance than zero, right?

That was the upside.  Now, however, I'm looking at it as possibly being another negative, most likely due to the pessimism I can't help but feel.  Here's what I'm thinking now:

Before I was failing without even getting the chance.  Now I'm being given a chance, and still failing.

You ask someone out on a date who says no, and it doesn't hurt your ego a whole lot, hopefully.  Worst case scenario they didn't like your appearance, but that's a subjective thing so you can shrug it off.  You know you're gorgeous.  When you send out a resume, same deal.  They judged you at a glance, and who knows what random, snap decision they had to make to narrow down the candidates.  You know you would have been perfectly competent to do that job.

But when you get a yes to that date, go out, have some long, deep conversations and you think things went well, and then you never hear from the person again, and this keeps happening over and over, well then you can't help but wonder what's wrong with you.  This time the person gave you a chance, sat down with you with an open mind, listened to what you had to say... and did not like it one bit.  Not a snap judgment made at a glance, but a sound judgment made after peering into your depths and recoiling in horror.  Same now with these interviews: they met me, shook my hand, asked me things about myself, and decided then that I should be rejected.

Where this metaphor breaks down is that when it comes to dating, sometimes being pretty is enough to hold someone's interest (and how lucky for me, since that's really all I've got).  But when it comes to those interviews, sadly, being pretty will not be enough to win them over.  I'll admit it has occurred to me that the fact that I'm eye candy could be good marketing for their library, but I'm obviously not stupid enough to claim that in an interview >.>

This is going off the rails a bit, circling back to my point now.  Before it was easier to shrug it off and think: "they're not rejecting me, they're rejecting a very small snapshot of me that they gather from my resume and cover letter.  Now, though, some of them are spending hours-- hours!-- with me in person, listening to what I have to say, and saying: "nahhhhhhhhhhhhhh."  Now I can really, truly feel like it's "me" they're rejecting.  Is that really a step up?

Obviously I'm still getting the interview experience, and I'm still getting a chance rather than none.  But that only makes me feel better if I believe it's really going to help me get the job someday.  If I don't get the job-- and it is entirely possible that I won't-- all I'll have gotten from this is more personal rejection and the opportunity to look back at the end of my life and think "if only I'd checked my hair after taking off my sunglasses in the car, maybe...," or "if only I'd elaborated on this one point, maybe...," or "if only the three hour drive hadn't drained me so much more than I thought it was going to, maybe..."

Will my interview opportunities lead to something good?  Maybe.  But then again, maybe not.

Silence

I've gone a little while without updating my blog.  Don't worry, I still have plenty of scribbled notes of ideas for blog discussions.  I just haven't been interested in doing them lately for the same reason I haven't been very diligent in job hunting for librarian jobs lately.

When I first started writing about the impossibility of getting a job in this field, the advice I gave to myself, yet refused to accept, was "Give Up."  And while I haven't done this yet, the sentiment has crept deeper into my bones lately.  It's so hard to motivate myself to spend hours of my time going through job listings and applying to at least the lowest hanging fruit when more than six years of experience is telling m it's a waste of time, and my life will never move on from the stalled place it's at now.

For the past few months I've been begrudgingly doing the part-part-part time job I do have and then coming home and escaping into books or video games, not even bothering to waste my time applying anywhere.  I've just been feeling too defeated to pull myself up lately.

If you're not in this position it's probably so easy to say: "oh, but you need to apply, you never know!"  or "don't Give Up!"  Or "you may as well keep trying, no harm in trying after all!"  To you, I challenge you to go six straight years failing at something and not go through patches where you're just not motivated.  When you've had Mike Tyson beating you senseless for six years, there will be times when you lie on the mat for longer than needed, just to get a break.

My lack of interest in my career has also, as you have seen, translated to a lack of interest in talking about my career.  I still have plenty to say, though.  And really, that's sad.  I didn't know when I started two years ago that I'd have over two years worth of material to rant about regarding my own personal failure in life, and the death of the American dream.  No, not death.  Zombification.  It has died, but shuffles on as a cruel mockery of those who cared for it, devouring them in giant handfuls.  I don't know what to make of the fact that I've now used two analogies of fighting an opponent who likes to bite people.  Point is, it is appalling  that there's so much to say about how terrible one specific problem is.  Two years and still so much left to say about the futility of life for anyone trying to start a life for the first time post November, 2008.

And it will be said.  A few days ago I managed to bring myself to skim the job postings half-heartedly, and this should mark the start of more searching, more applications, and more posts about just how fucked this dead field is.

Enjoy.