I probably said at one point that this blog would still be active, and I didn't want it to become one of those blogs to update every six months just to say "sorry I'm not updating, but I promise I'll start again soon!" only to go silent for another six months, and repeat. Did I ever actually say that though, or did I just think it? Either way, I was hoping for that not to be the case with my blog, and in my defense I meant it at the time. The follow-through has left something to be desired.
Anyway, I'm not going to make excuses. I'm also not going to promise to write more from now on. The reason I haven't been writing all this time is, frankly, I feel defeated. I've just come to accept that this will be my life, and all I'm doing is wasting my time when I try to find full time work.
Every now and then I'll see some fresh-faced fuck (sorry, but allow me to be bitter. I've earned it) complain about how it took them a whole six months to get a job out of grad school, and I'll think my 6+ years of teaching info lit should damn well count for something and I should be able to get a job within just a few months too. And then I'll remember how utterly devoid of hope the last six years have been, and just...................
How can I not give up? Clearly I lack something. I'm always assured that I'm a fine candidate, but, "there were just so many applicants, is all. Sorry about your damn luck." But can it really just be my damn luck when people are getting jobs so soon these days and I still can't?
I've been worn down. I've lost the will to fight. I've even lost the will to fight back.
I don't remember the last time I looked at the want ads. Maybe October? November? It has been a while. Even when you're starving, there are only so many times you can open a pantry that you know for a fact to be empty. That's exactly what it feels like I'm doing when I look at the want ads these days. After opening that pantry door so many times, I've just learned that it's empty and there's no sense in opening it as if I expect a jar of peanut butter to have spontaneously appeared.
So that's why I haven't been writing. My motivation to look for work and any feeling of connection I have to this field is slipping more and more with each passing year. I'm telling myself I'll write more, just as I'll look at the want ads more. I'm not going to make any promises, though.
I wish I could just forget it all. Be done with it. I have a car that runs and I have a box of Woody Guthrie albums. What else would I even need, if only I didn't need to worry about money for food and gas and student loans and another car for the day the one I have doesn't run any longer? If it weren't for those needs, I'd say fuck it, get in my car, and spend a few years exploring that ribbon of highway I've been hearing about.
I want to see the desert. I'm sure there's more for me out there than I've come to find in library-land.
