The near miss.

With four years of unsuccessful job searching, there must have been some near misses.  Well, the closest I’ve come is the job you already know I have—I was actually hired for a job that makes use of my degree.  The only problem is that it can barely be called a “job” since I believe real jobs pay with money rather than “all the dry erase markers you can steal.”  I’m not even earning half-time pay (despite the fact that, realistically, I’m probably working at least half-time, if not more) or any benefits.  In other words, I still have definitely not found the job I need. 

Other than that, there was one time where I had an interview.  An interview for a real, full time, benefits-included job.  Strangely enough, this was within the first couple of months of getting my MLIS and applying.  I must have actually thought that trend of being invited to interviews would continue, but how hilariously mistaken I was.  In any event, I obviously didn’t get it.  They ended up wanting someone with more experience, and given that the only experience I had at the time was fieldwork, that was fair enough.    And that was it.  In the four years I’ve been applying for library jobs, I’ve only had two interviews.  Two interviews in four years.  If you thought I was overreacting by accepting myself as a failure, please try to imagine a world in which you get invited to an interview two times in four years while applying to any job you can, and tell me how much you’d believe there’s a silver lining if only you “hang in there.”  Bonus points if you imagine those 2 interviews were in the first year, and you have now gone 3 straight without a single employer even willing to talk to you.

At the time I looked at my rejection as positive.  I’m sure I would have enjoyed working there, but I took it as a life experience.  And the employer was quite supportive.  Since it was my first interview, I emailed him later asking if he had any advice or pointers for me, and he was happy to oblige.  Too happy, really.  We ended up talking on the phone after that for what seemed like ages, and he occasionally sent me emails for job opportunities he saw.  That’s the great thing about this profession—we’re helpers.  We fell out of touch after I got my current job and he no longer was worried about me, and at that point I wasn’t worried anymore either.  I had just taken my first step into the profession and would undoubtedly be taking more before too long.  I was where I should be at the time.

That was early September of 2009.  As I write this it is 2:49 in the morning at the end of September, 2012.  By the time I post this it will be quite a bit later (I wrote many of my posts out before I began this blog, wanted to make sure I had enough to write about.  I’m planning to post one per week, so this should show up at the beginning of October).  The job I took to pay the bills while waiting for the full time job to come along has been my only other interview and only job I managed to land.  The full time job never came.  Nor two part time jobs.  Nor did I ever get another interview again, not a single one in 3 years and counting.

Here I am.

So what do I do?

This may not be the most interesting post, but I feel I have to get it out of the way.  As I lay my life before you, it will be relevant to know where I'm currently working.  I did mention already, after all, that I have 3 years of experience in my field.  You may already be wondering where I was able to find it.

I teach semester-long courses on information literacy at a career college (I also taught technology literacy, before they did away with the course).  “Teaching at a college?,” asks my reader (I know better than to pluralize that) with genuine surprise.  “Why that sounds rather sexy, what are you so bitter about?” 

Oh, well I’m sorry to have come off as bitter.  I was aiming for honest, it just happens that honesty always sounds like bitterness.  If it doesn’t, you’re not being fully honest.  These writings come from a place of sincerity, I assure you. 

But in answer to your question, the problem is that I’m an adjunct, and the job is less than part time.  How many classes I teach, and consequently, how much I get paid, depends on the semester.  At best, I’m less than half-time.  At worst, I’m breaking even after paying for student loans, gas, and car insurance.  And I mean dead even, give or take, with nothing left over. 

The job itself isn’t bad.  It has ups and downs.  I enjoy the people I work with, and I more often than not enjoy the students.  But it can be more work than the pay is worth, and I’m definitely far from having a life of my own.  Ultimately it's not where I want to be.  I want something with better and more structured hours.  Working nights makes me depressed, and not having structured hours (i.e., grading and prep time done at home) means I'll take 8 hours to do something that should take 2 because of ADD.  I want a job that I go to in the morning, get my work done at work, then come home and am off the clock.  But listen to me being picky.  Obviously I'll take whatever I can get at this point, and that's why I have what I have.  It's all I can get.

As far as experience goes, I'm not sure how far this job really takes me.  It is 3 years, but not 3 years full-time.  And the experience I get from it is specifically in instruction, I don't actually work in the library itself.  While this may be better than "fresh out of library school with only fieldwork under my belt" (especially since I do someday hope to have a job with an instruction component) I'm not sure if I'm really doing my resume that big of a favor.  I'm starting to think I may be better off to stop sinking my time into this job and find something I can get more money for, even if the "more money" job is something like a Wal-Mart greeter that will net me no career experience.  So far I've prioritized experience over money, but is this experience actually worth anything anymore?  Especially now that I'm facing the fact that it may be best to stop hoping to get a job in my field anymore, I just don't know.

Give Up.

Give up.  I will forever love The Postal Service for using that as the name of their album (and for being The Postal Service).  I mentioned before that this is what I’ve done: given up, declared myself a “failed librarian.”  So it may or may not surprise you to find out that I still apply for library jobs.  It used to be that I did so in genuine hopes of getting a job.  Now I do it because I at least have to try, even without hope, I have to try.  I’m paying 280 every month for student loan bills, and I’ll be doing so for the next 10-15 years.  If I didn’t pay for the privilege of being employable as a librarian, then by God, I paid to waste my time and everyone else’s by applying to those jobs. 

Besides, I have a new goal.  After all, I fail at my goals, so here’s one I can either succeed at for once, or be glad I failed at.  The goal is this: I’m trying to get rejected from every single state in the USA.  I want to be able to say, with more than just a hint of pride, that not one single state in this country wants me.  That I have asked to go to work for each and every one, and they have all told me separately and in no uncertain terms that I can fuck off in any direction of my choosing.

This is my progress so far:

You'll notice I've had a few rejections from Canada as well.  Canada is just a bonus.

I am a failure

They say to write what you know.  I have many interests.  I love video games, music (playing and tabbing), and various geeky things.  But there’s only one thing I’ve ever really been good at, and that is failing at my career and life.

I am a librarian.  Or, at least I tried to be.  I got my MLIS in 2008.  It was supposed to be a boom time for libraries.  You could get that degree and write your own ticket, any kind of library in any state you wanted to work.  All of the baby boomers were going to be retiring in a year, and the world was going to be in desperate need of librarians.  Those of you who remember the year 2008, however, remember it for mainly one thing.  It was the year the US economy threw up in its own mouth a little.

The profession never recovered.  In 2012, nearing 2013, the library field remains a barren hellscape on which soil no job can grow.  When people retire their positions are often not replaced, but are integrated into other positions (or the retiree is replaced with a paraprofessional).  Those positions are not going to come back.  Jobs that are shed like that due to budget cuts don’t come back, even if things do recover.  

And that is how I became a failure.  2008 was four years ago, and I have spent that time applying for jobs everywhere.  I’m not picky about location, if it looks like I’m even kind of qualified for it, I apply as long as I speak the language, or think I can fake it for just long enough to get away with it.  Despite having very strong references from my fieldwork and three years of experience, four years later I only have a very part-time job to show for it (which is where my three years of experience comes from).  And when I say very part-time, I’m talking even less than half-time.  Not even sustenance-level employment.

And that’s what I want, the ability to sustain myself, the ability to make a life for myself.  But after four years of constant rejection and failure, I have finally come to a point where I’ve stopped dreaming that I’ll ever make a go of this career.  I’ve stopped identifying as a librarian.  It used to be that when people asked me what I do I’d tell them I’m a librarian by career, but am currently using my degree to (etc., etc.).  Now I just face the truth and tell them:

I am a failed librarian. 

And this blog shall serve as a testament to my failure.  To others it may be more useful as a warning, or something to laugh at, or as a record of the struggles of new and new-ish librarians.