My last post was hopeful, so you had to know I was in for a fall.
I mentioned having had two interviews, and one I hadn't been rejected from yet. Well, now I have.
This is a huge punch to the gut for me, so I'm just going to type this out off the top of my head, no rough draft. No polishing, I don't want to live with this longer than I had to. Just a blunt, visceral stream of consciousness write-up. Be prepared.
This was a job I wanted badly. Not just the job itself, but the location. You'll remember, perhaps, that I'm not being picky about where I apply. So of the millions of cities in the US, what are the odds that I'd be rejected for 5 years straight and then be offered an interview-- and come closer to getting it than I ever have-- in the one exact specific place I wanted to be? A place where, had I gotten that job, the rest of my life could have fallen into place instantly. Millions and millions and millions of libraries, and the one place that comes so close to offering me a job in that time is in that exact city. The odds of that have to be at least 3 to 1.
I don't know what this means. The odds are too crazy to be coincidence, so how could that have happened for nothing? But apparently, it did. It was for nothing, I failed again, and I guess that's a dream I can shove in a hole to die now.
But enough about me, back to the focus of this blog-- what my experience implies for other new or new-ish librarians. And that is this:
To get to this stage of the interview I had to travel, and I had to do it on my own dime. The library was 270 miles away from my current home. I put over 500 miles on my car in 2 days, set out early in the morning with nothing but my GPS and a case of CDs (thank you, Mansun, Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins, Troubled Hubble, Electric Six, and Frank Zappa!), and hope. I spent about 80 on gas both ways, 80 on an inn, and 20 dollars for dinner out (including two glasses of scotch, in a state where alcohol is not as dirt cheap as in WI). So, about 180 dollars of my own money got spent just so I could see a rejection email no different from any other. It could have been a bit cheaper, but I just wanted a place close to the job. Subtract the difference between the inn and a more sensible motel, and not ordering the drinks at dinner, and I could have done this for 150, perhaps. Still, that's 150 dollars.
The issue is, how sustainable is this? Say you're a new librarian looking for your first full time job and you actually do get interview offers. How much of your own money-- especially on your current non-salary-- can you spend going to interview after interview just to add to your collection of emails stating that while you were a strong candidate, they decided to pursue someone who more closely suits their needs?
The other implication for new librarians is this: sometimes this will hurt. Badly. The other rejections I got were easy to sour grapes. I just made "sour grapes" a verb, get over it. But this one, this one would have been everything I ever. It was the perfect millions to one job that I'll never have a chance at again. And now that dream can go fuck off and die forever. I wanted this job so bad it literally hurt. And I mean, before I was rejected. It hurt how badly I wanted it, and I was not misusing the word "literally" when I said that. I came so close to it, beating incalculable odds just to do that, but it was for nothing. I fail. Game over. And sometimes, dear new librarian, that may happen. Not every rejection can be brushed off as "oh well, at least I won't have to move there" or "I figured it was out of my league, but it was worth a shot." Sometimes you'll take a punch to the gut.
I don't want to get off the floor right now. Let me just lie here for a while.
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