I've been putting this post off for a while. I posted earlier about a job I came so close to getting after all these years, but came up short once again at the very end. That post was my optimistic look at the situation, and I planned to follow through with a pessimistic look at it.
But the truth is, I'm just not feeling it. And not only did that make it hard to motivate myself to want to do this, but it made me afraid to do it. I've actually been feeling pretty good lately. I've had things in my life to look forward to, even if gainful employment (and everything that comes with it) hasn't been one of those things. So I was afraid that if I looked inside myself for the gloomy outlook that I know still exists in here somewhere, I might just open that Pandora's box a bit too wide and gloom and depression would have dominion over me again.
However, I have more I've been wanting to say, and that means I need to get this post out of the way first. So on the bright side, it was a good sign that I got so close to a job, that had circumstances been different, I might be gainfully employed and living in my own apartment right now. On the bright side, I now know that it's at least possible.
But on the dark side....
On the dark side, that was a damn fucking good job I didn't get. The kind of job that doesn't come around very often. Gainful employment doing exactly what I want to do and exactly what I know I'm good at, while only having to work 80% of full time. Having an extra 20% to myself, to spend how I want. And working in a nice place with a nice bunch of people. That job was at the tip of my fingers, but it came down to five people who decided to pull it out of my hands after all. And just like that, my best shot at a great job is gone.
Now, I might get a job someday, sure. But the chances of me getting a job like that? Well, it just can't happen. I'm no stranger in life to unicorn hunting, but I've never managed to catch that damn unicorn. May have spotted a few, but they all got away. I should definitely not be getting my hopes up about being able to catch this particular unicorn. So no, I'm going to have to grind my life down working 40-45 hours a week or more, 49 weeks a year or more if I ever get a job at all. And granted, that is what most people do, but if there were a way I could have avoided that and had enough time to do some real traveling and whatnot, well it would have been through a job like that. A job I probably can't ever hope to have.
And then there's the other issue I've hinted at before and will hint at again: I want very little out of life. but the one thing I wanted more than anything, it's already probably too late for me to get that. And the reason it's too late is because I won't be getting a living wage until I'm God knows how old (33 and counting). I really needed to get there by my mid 20s at latest, but since I already didn't do that, I have next to no chance even if I get a job tomorrow. Even if I had gotten that job I'd have next to no chance. This is all for nothing.
That's about all I can write right now. I'm already feeling down from this, so I'll stop here and try to get myself back into good spirits. Things are going ok for me right now. I have things to look forward to. And my next post will actually be good news. Back to the bright side.
No comments:
Post a Comment