I believe in Billy Corgan

This is likely the last post I’ll be making regarding the big event that happened recently.  Not because I’ve been given a gag order or anything, but because it’s the last thing I have to say about it that will be relevant to this blog.

As nice as the drive was, I found myself with unexpected stress almost right away upon the realization that I’d forgotten to bring something I’d planned to have with me.  That something was the double album, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by the Smashing Pumpkins.  I did remember their Siamese Dream album, but I especially wanted Mellon Collie, specifically disc one.  Don’t leave yet, there actually is a point to this related to applying for library jobs.  I’ll get there.  But back to the story, I had many potential “signs” that things were going to go my way, and this was the first potential “sign” that things weren’t.  I don’t believe in signs, because if God or the universe—whatever you want to call it—were in the business of giving signs, it would know not to bother since the potential for them to be mere coincidence prevents them from being any comfort.  But I digress.

And why would this be a supposed sign?  Well, for one I could have sworn I packed them.  I have the actual memory of sliding them into my CD case, so I was shocked and flipped through my case several times before finally accepting they really weren’t there.  And second, well this is the part where we get to why this was important to me and why it has crap all to do with applying for jobs in our poorly chosen field.

The song "Tonight, Tonight" was my theme song during that whole application process, from finding out they wanted to call me for an interview to getting myself pumped for making the trip down there.  And the reason is this particular line (and for your own good, do not imagine me signing it): “Believe in me, believe that life can change, that you’re not stuck in vain.” 

Here’s why that line meant so much to me.  It’s because I really do believe that the thoughts you put out into the world can, at least partially, influence causality.  Not in some crass “the secret” kind of way where all you have to do is think about it really hard and you can have anything you want.  No, not like that.  But self-fulfilling prophecy is a real thing that can influence what happens in one’s life, and even beyond that, I just believe that what you imagine happening can be part of what causes it to happen.  The problem with that line of thinking is that I don’t foresee myself ever, ever, ever in my life getting a full time job.  After living in this ugly fucking basement for the past 5 years, failure after failure after failure, I have a damn hard time envisioning my life ever being different.  Can you blame me?

Like I said before, this was the job I wanted and where I wanted it to be.  I went all in with this one.  I told as many people as I could to cross their fingers for me, hoping that they’d think positive thoughts about me getting the job.  I can’t believe in myself anymore, but maybe other people can.  And I listened to that song, trying to believe in Billy Corgan as he asked, and believe that my life can change after all this time, and I’m not going to be alone in a basement, working a miserable part time job that causes my “moderate to severe depression” forever.  That was what I wanted to tell myself, and now it’s what I want to tell other people in my position.  Just try to believe.  It didn’t help me when I needed it the most, but maybe someday it will help.  That’s my advice, believe in Billy Corgan.  Think positive and try to keep thinking that way, no matter how hard it gets.  Billy Corgan wouldn’t steer us wrong, would he?

http://www.savevid.com/video/billy-corgan-talks-about-chemtrails-to-audience.html

Umm, Billy Corgan wouldn’t steer us wrong twice, would he?

Member$ only

I got that dreaded email today.  “Renew Your ALA Membership.”  This email signifies another 65 dollars out of my pocket for absolutely nothing.

I’m not hating on the ALA.  I’m sure a membership is a nice thing to have if you’re working in the field.  But for a severely underemployed person who doesn’t actually work in a library?  This is pretty useless.  The ALA joblist is visible to me with or without a membership, so there’s only one reason for me to have it:

I keep renewing my membership in hopes that it looks good on my resume.

When I was in library school I had a professor who said that if she had the power, she’d make it mandatory for us all to have ALA memberships simply because it helps our resumes.  But as you know if you’ve been following my blog since the beginning (and I understand that’s not all of you… or any of you… or anyone because there is no hypothetical “you” and I’m talking to myself >.>) I’ve given up hope that it’s possible for me to get a job in this field.  It’s over, throw in the towel, I am a failure.  Despite this, I am still sending out resumes because, crap, I didn’t waste all that time and money not to try.

This is my first time being asked to renew my ALA membership since officially giving up, and I’m not sure exactly what to do now.  Do I waste my money on something I know is futile, or do I keep paying because, if I’m going to keep sending these resumes out, I ought to put my all into it?

How exactly is it even improving my resume, given that I have done precisely dick with it in the 5 years I’ve had it?  Wouldn’t it be just as well to write “I’d purchase an ALA membership if you gave me a reason to have one”?  Of course I’m speaking practically, and practical is not always the same as realistic.  Of course that wouldn’t look good on a resume, but for all intents and purposes it would be the same thing except I wouldn’t be wasting money that I desperately need.

I will grant you that 65 dollars for a year isn’t a lot of money.  In return, I hope you will grant me that it is a lot of money when I’m already operating under a yearly net loss from bills alone (thank you, student loans for a career I now know I can never hope to have!).

Is $65 in my current predicament worth the ability to tell myself that I did all I could, or is it time to cut another loss in a loss-filled life?

What would I say to hopeful librarians?

This question makes me imagine going into a fit of wheezing coughs as I limp toward the asker while shouting: “HOPE?  ADANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER LIBRARY SCHOOL.”  But while imagining that in my head, here’s what I’d actually say:

Make sure this is what you want.  Make sure this is the greatest passion in your life, that you’d never want to do anything else for as long as you live.  If you think this “just seems like a nice job,” or “you’re not sure what else to do, but you like reading,” then I highly recommend that you fuck right off.  Treat this career like you’d treat the idea of being a rock star or an astronaut.  If it’s what you really want to do more than anything and you think you have the passion and drive, and you think you have what it takes to stand out, and you think that it’s something you absolutely have to try to do, then go ahead.  Try.  But don’t count on it being a sure thing.  Have a fallback plan.  Have two.  Try to make a go of it, but understand that the chances of success are pretty slim, and you can’t hang all of your hope on it.  And if you do succeed, it won’t be overnight.  You’ll be chipping away for years to gain any kind of ground.  Expect about 2 years in library school, and then 3-5 more years volunteering or working less than half-time before anything opens up for you.  Maybe more. 

Also, make sure you can go all out with it.  Don’t go for this career if you need to stay close to your family.  You have to be willing to go anywhere and take any kind of job.  Again, this needs to be your passion to the point where you’ll do anything it takes to get there.  If you aren’t passionate enough to relocate outside of a 3-hour radius, then you aren’t passionate enough to be employable in this field.

“That sounds rather pessimistic, it can’t be that bad,” you imagine. “I mean, just because you suck, that doesn’t mean that becoming a librarian is that fucking difficult.”  If you think I’m exaggerating, read this:

http://www.forbes.com/pictures/efkk45ifij/no-1-worst-masters-degree-for-jobs-library-and-information-science/

Yes, the MLIS is the worst Master’s degree for jobs.  Somehow—and I really don’t understand how this is possible since libraries are still things—but somehow, you would be more employable with a Master’s in French Literature.  Or History.  Or Art History.  Even fucking Communications. 

Yeah, it’s not just me.  This profession is the barren hellscape I described it as, and it will suck for anyone coming in recently.  The bottom line is, if you want to be a librarian, you’d better want to be a librarian.  You’d better want it so much that you’re willing to take a big risk for it, and you’re willing to make big sacrifices to make it.  If you just want to be a librarian because you “love to read,” then run.  Run now.  The field doesn’t need you.